There is so much here to admire--and to use as guidance. I am on a far-down-the-line level of these competing pulls and these concerns, but I know what you mean when you talk about the satisfaction and pride in being good at something like a book talk, which may well yield you more book talks, which feels really exciting and I-have-arrived-ish, and then keeps you away from writing the next book you'll want to do book talks for! The gratification of the figurative and literal applause from actual live people is a powerful drug. You've reminded me that it's the writing that's the most important thing, after all. And I'm itching for more time for it.
After I retired from an IT career and wrote my first book, I got invited to speak in Florida—I'm in Indiana—so I did one of the things I hated when I worked, and that was to get on an airplane and fly to another city to do something, well, "work-y." I knew my old boss would laugh if he knew what I was doing after all those years he listened to me gripe about work travel. Anyway, I don't do that anymore. Nipped it in the bud, so to speak...
But what I am really leaving this comment for is to recommend books by Cal Newport, a computer-science professor at Georgetown who has written several books—Deep Work, A World Without Email, and Slow Productivity —which touch on these topics. If you want to email him, he has multiple email addresses and never commits to replying to any of them!
Cal Newport recently did a podcast episode with “The Minimalists” in which he compare the singer Jewel with what Taylor Swift is doing currently. Apparently, Jewel also had phenomenally successful world tour back in the day. When she came home the business types got ready for the next big tour but Jewel said N-O. She was done. She had made enough money and just wanted to live her life which included music and songwriting but was not dominated by it. I was thinking of that idea as I was reading this piece. Look to think about.
I feel this so deeply! Instant validation (applause, compliments, money, the feeling of having helped someone, requests to do cooler gigs) are so hard to turn down in favor of long-term, maybe-never gratification. They also tend to keep you in a box just when you're looking to change and grow. I am mostly turning down gigs right now, but recently accepted a conference request on the condition that I not be asked to talk about crime and mystery--it's not that I don't love and appreciate it, but my work just isn't that connected to it right now, and I'd rather move toward what I love or stay home. That felt like a big step for me.
Another thing we don't talk about much, but when you say "yes" all the time, there's a risk that you begin to look less like a star and more like "old reliable." As my first burst of success started to fade and I lost other sources of validation, I said yes more and more just to feel like I was "on people's radar." But there's such a thing as being on people's radar for the wrong things. I love helping people but after a while you begin to feel like people see you as a pinch hitter, rather than appreciating you for what <i>you</i> do.
It's so true that "no one will haunt you to stay on your own path." The only solution is to let your path haunt you instead.
As a debut author with a full time day job and two kids, I'm just discovering the difficulties of balance and joy in my writing and publishing life. Thanks for sharing these thoughts.
Thanks so much for writing this. I read Rebecca Solnit's posts too, and found them, and your essay here, really validating. I published my first book, "Water Always Wins," in 2022, and since then have been blessed with a ton of speaking engagements. And while I'm grateful that people are reading the book, and liking it, and want to hear its message, I feel really overwhelmed by the pulls on my time and particularly the way that it fractures my attention and makes it difficult for me to write feature stories, and my next book proposal! I've really been struggling with this, and when I talk about it to people, it sounds like I'm whining about my success. It's so, so validating to hear from others that this is a legit problem and that I can and should take action to draw boundaries in order to do my work. BTW, I really liked "Wicked Plants" and absolutely LOVED "The Earth Moved." It's one of my all-time favorite books. Erica
If it's of any use, one thing I did is limit what time of year I'll travel. It started with me staying home about mid-November-February, then it stretched to all of November through the end of March. This was mostly about weather--I didn't want to be stuck in O'Hare in a snowstorm. But it did give me a good solid block to time to stay home and get work done, and it helped that nobody really books events around the holidays, which translates to mid-Nov through mid-Jan, so that's about 8 weeks in the middle that was kind of a dead zone anyway.
Oo, that's a good idea! That sort of happened this year on its own, though we had a parade of family and friends visiting, so it didn't yield meaningful work.
yeah, that is the downside of the winter version of this plan. Because I had dedicated those winters to finishing books, I was a real Grinch about holidays. I mean we would have them, but they were one day only events. No gifts, no cooking meals ourselves, little or no traveling out of town, etc. My husband was always extra busy at his bookstore during the holidays anyway, so it was kind of OK but yes, we missed a lot during those years.
Oh Amy, exquisite and excruciating timing. That whole pride>fall thing is true. My daily color practice on IG, which I began in 2018 as a means of processing hard things, brought me several unexpected opportunities, my book, print sales and a recent illustration gig. While I continued to rely on the practice, the tending of the other things became "work." Welcome and much appreciated both professionally and financially, but nonetheless a far cry from my starting point. Last fall, my practice had a brief viral moment -- numbers soared almost overnight as #shallotpalette became a thing. Then in late March hackers decided otherwise and took the entire account down. It was a hard landing. I felt robbed and violated and honestly see no practical purpose for anyone to mess with my content. So I was left with the question of what next? and really, what was taken? It still stings, but I'm finding that the best I can do is to return to the beginning and continue capturing color as a means of processing hard things. In fact, I'm grateful for this very unlikely undercarriage that supports me in this oh-so strange digital world of making.
OMG I did not realize that happened to you on IG! That's insane! I'm so sorry but also it's a good reminder that on any platform like that, we're only guests in their house.
My husband and I spent the whole month of January in Costa Rica. None of our kids, who range in age from 46 to 36, bothered us with their problems. My semi-retired husband got no frantic calls from the office. Our stress levels dropped dramatically, we slept well, we ate well and when we wanted to, we indulged in our favorite activities. But we had to come home.
The same problem of demands on time happens in many situations - for me, it has been Humboldt non-profit boards for the past 20 years. I plan to end all that at the end of this year and just o advisory boards that come with no accountability and plenty of opportunities for interesting conversations. And when I was working in offices back in the old country, I used to put a sign on my door when I needed me time that said "Who would you ask if I wasn't here". Worked like a charm.
Thanks Amy. This happens to many people. Mr sister volunteered for several museums and arts organizations. She was very good and willing until it became a burden. She did not know how to say no, after all, these were important organizations that needed help. But it left her with no time for her own creative goals. I sent her a line from a poem by Naomi Shihab Nye, The Art of Disappearing.
‘’Walk around feeling like a leaf. Know you could tumble any second, then decide what to do with your time.
Thank you for this!! So many good thoughts in here. Was reading Tove Jansson’s letters recently and there are plenty of complaints when the Moomin empire gets really big and she feels constrained.
Love this! I remember reading somewhere about a writer who has a finite number of slots for events/conferences/book review or whatever. Once the slot is filled, they can say, Sorry - I am at full capacity.
It's a no, but a more practical and perhaps easier one to deliver. Of course, the number of slots might even be zero but they don't need to know that! .
"Think about the logic behind that. In addition to doing your creative work, you’re going to take on all these other tasks/opportunities/offers that come your way, in the hopes that they will make you so successful that you’ll never have to do them again."
Thank you for this affirming support to step off the hamster wheel (however small or large), remember what you truly enjoy, then go do it. Because now you have time. Smell the roses while you are at it.
I met Rae Wynn-Grant in the green room at the Bioneers conference, and she told me she created an email "assistant@raewynn-grant.com and filtered the mail herself for the first 6 months (before hiring an assistant). She said she instantly got a lot more respect for her time, which is interesting. I think I might try that. She also had a line for free asks: "I've given all my pro-bono events for this year." I feel you with the no fun. I've felt like I've worked every day for several years, and have a lot less balance in my life. But the last few days have felt a bit better. I have no deadlines (and also no money coming in - yipe), but I've been getting through a lot of reading and thinking.
All good reminders! My favorite strategy is to have a Google Doc easily accessible that has a list of 1. Artist friends that I recommend who do similar work to mine 2. Artists who teach workshops and give talks with content similar to mine. Instead of making up excuses each time, I just say, "Sorry, my plate is full. But here is (insert other artist's contact) who does awesome work!" The other party is almost always grateful for the recommendation and it helps spread the work around to other artists.
There is so much here to admire--and to use as guidance. I am on a far-down-the-line level of these competing pulls and these concerns, but I know what you mean when you talk about the satisfaction and pride in being good at something like a book talk, which may well yield you more book talks, which feels really exciting and I-have-arrived-ish, and then keeps you away from writing the next book you'll want to do book talks for! The gratification of the figurative and literal applause from actual live people is a powerful drug. You've reminded me that it's the writing that's the most important thing, after all. And I'm itching for more time for it.
Exactly! Hope you get more time for it.
After I retired from an IT career and wrote my first book, I got invited to speak in Florida—I'm in Indiana—so I did one of the things I hated when I worked, and that was to get on an airplane and fly to another city to do something, well, "work-y." I knew my old boss would laugh if he knew what I was doing after all those years he listened to me gripe about work travel. Anyway, I don't do that anymore. Nipped it in the bud, so to speak...
But what I am really leaving this comment for is to recommend books by Cal Newport, a computer-science professor at Georgetown who has written several books—Deep Work, A World Without Email, and Slow Productivity —which touch on these topics. If you want to email him, he has multiple email addresses and never commits to replying to any of them!
Thanks for the book recommendations, Carol!
Cal Newport recently did a podcast episode with “The Minimalists” in which he compare the singer Jewel with what Taylor Swift is doing currently. Apparently, Jewel also had phenomenally successful world tour back in the day. When she came home the business types got ready for the next big tour but Jewel said N-O. She was done. She had made enough money and just wanted to live her life which included music and songwriting but was not dominated by it. I was thinking of that idea as I was reading this piece. Look to think about.
I feel this so deeply! Instant validation (applause, compliments, money, the feeling of having helped someone, requests to do cooler gigs) are so hard to turn down in favor of long-term, maybe-never gratification. They also tend to keep you in a box just when you're looking to change and grow. I am mostly turning down gigs right now, but recently accepted a conference request on the condition that I not be asked to talk about crime and mystery--it's not that I don't love and appreciate it, but my work just isn't that connected to it right now, and I'd rather move toward what I love or stay home. That felt like a big step for me.
Another thing we don't talk about much, but when you say "yes" all the time, there's a risk that you begin to look less like a star and more like "old reliable." As my first burst of success started to fade and I lost other sources of validation, I said yes more and more just to feel like I was "on people's radar." But there's such a thing as being on people's radar for the wrong things. I love helping people but after a while you begin to feel like people see you as a pinch hitter, rather than appreciating you for what <i>you</i> do.
It's so true that "no one will haunt you to stay on your own path." The only solution is to let your path haunt you instead.
I hear you about the box!
I love this so much I will need to keep it and reread it frequently. I go into hermit phase every time I make progress in my creative work. Thank you!
Hermit phase is good!
As a debut author with a full time day job and two kids, I'm just discovering the difficulties of balance and joy in my writing and publishing life. Thanks for sharing these thoughts.
Oh man, with a day job and kids, it's all about getting through the day!
Hi Amy,
Thanks so much for writing this. I read Rebecca Solnit's posts too, and found them, and your essay here, really validating. I published my first book, "Water Always Wins," in 2022, and since then have been blessed with a ton of speaking engagements. And while I'm grateful that people are reading the book, and liking it, and want to hear its message, I feel really overwhelmed by the pulls on my time and particularly the way that it fractures my attention and makes it difficult for me to write feature stories, and my next book proposal! I've really been struggling with this, and when I talk about it to people, it sounds like I'm whining about my success. It's so, so validating to hear from others that this is a legit problem and that I can and should take action to draw boundaries in order to do my work. BTW, I really liked "Wicked Plants" and absolutely LOVED "The Earth Moved." It's one of my all-time favorite books. Erica
If it's of any use, one thing I did is limit what time of year I'll travel. It started with me staying home about mid-November-February, then it stretched to all of November through the end of March. This was mostly about weather--I didn't want to be stuck in O'Hare in a snowstorm. But it did give me a good solid block to time to stay home and get work done, and it helped that nobody really books events around the holidays, which translates to mid-Nov through mid-Jan, so that's about 8 weeks in the middle that was kind of a dead zone anyway.
Oo, that's a good idea! That sort of happened this year on its own, though we had a parade of family and friends visiting, so it didn't yield meaningful work.
yeah, that is the downside of the winter version of this plan. Because I had dedicated those winters to finishing books, I was a real Grinch about holidays. I mean we would have them, but they were one day only events. No gifts, no cooking meals ourselves, little or no traveling out of town, etc. My husband was always extra busy at his bookstore during the holidays anyway, so it was kind of OK but yes, we missed a lot during those years.
p.s. Your book is on my TBR pile! I'll be in touch one of these days.
Oh wow! I hope you like it.
Oh Amy, exquisite and excruciating timing. That whole pride>fall thing is true. My daily color practice on IG, which I began in 2018 as a means of processing hard things, brought me several unexpected opportunities, my book, print sales and a recent illustration gig. While I continued to rely on the practice, the tending of the other things became "work." Welcome and much appreciated both professionally and financially, but nonetheless a far cry from my starting point. Last fall, my practice had a brief viral moment -- numbers soared almost overnight as #shallotpalette became a thing. Then in late March hackers decided otherwise and took the entire account down. It was a hard landing. I felt robbed and violated and honestly see no practical purpose for anyone to mess with my content. So I was left with the question of what next? and really, what was taken? It still stings, but I'm finding that the best I can do is to return to the beginning and continue capturing color as a means of processing hard things. In fact, I'm grateful for this very unlikely undercarriage that supports me in this oh-so strange digital world of making.
OMG I did not realize that happened to you on IG! That's insane! I'm so sorry but also it's a good reminder that on any platform like that, we're only guests in their house.
yes guest of capricious and possible evil overlords...
My husband and I spent the whole month of January in Costa Rica. None of our kids, who range in age from 46 to 36, bothered us with their problems. My semi-retired husband got no frantic calls from the office. Our stress levels dropped dramatically, we slept well, we ate well and when we wanted to, we indulged in our favorite activities. But we had to come home.
Sounds fantastic!
Gonna Gotta be brief. THIS goes on my bathroom wall beside other crucially important stuff. I've been there, got over it...and forget sometimes. XOXO
Oh good!
The same problem of demands on time happens in many situations - for me, it has been Humboldt non-profit boards for the past 20 years. I plan to end all that at the end of this year and just o advisory boards that come with no accountability and plenty of opportunities for interesting conversations. And when I was working in offices back in the old country, I used to put a sign on my door when I needed me time that said "Who would you ask if I wasn't here". Worked like a charm.
Love that sign!
Thanks Amy. This happens to many people. Mr sister volunteered for several museums and arts organizations. She was very good and willing until it became a burden. She did not know how to say no, after all, these were important organizations that needed help. But it left her with no time for her own creative goals. I sent her a line from a poem by Naomi Shihab Nye, The Art of Disappearing.
‘’Walk around feeling like a leaf. Know you could tumble any second, then decide what to do with your time.
That's beautiful!
Thank you for this!! So many good thoughts in here. Was reading Tove Jansson’s letters recently and there are plenty of complaints when the Moomin empire gets really big and she feels constrained.
Love this! I remember reading somewhere about a writer who has a finite number of slots for events/conferences/book review or whatever. Once the slot is filled, they can say, Sorry - I am at full capacity.
It's a no, but a more practical and perhaps easier one to deliver. Of course, the number of slots might even be zero but they don't need to know that! .
"Think about the logic behind that. In addition to doing your creative work, you’re going to take on all these other tasks/opportunities/offers that come your way, in the hopes that they will make you so successful that you’ll never have to do them again."
Thank you for this affirming support to step off the hamster wheel (however small or large), remember what you truly enjoy, then go do it. Because now you have time. Smell the roses while you are at it.
I met Rae Wynn-Grant in the green room at the Bioneers conference, and she told me she created an email "assistant@raewynn-grant.com and filtered the mail herself for the first 6 months (before hiring an assistant). She said she instantly got a lot more respect for her time, which is interesting. I think I might try that. She also had a line for free asks: "I've given all my pro-bono events for this year." I feel you with the no fun. I've felt like I've worked every day for several years, and have a lot less balance in my life. But the last few days have felt a bit better. I have no deadlines (and also no money coming in - yipe), but I've been getting through a lot of reading and thinking.
No deadlines is a beautiful thing, but for us freelancers it is also nerve-wracking!
Yes! In that in the essence of life, I think.
All good reminders! My favorite strategy is to have a Google Doc easily accessible that has a list of 1. Artist friends that I recommend who do similar work to mine 2. Artists who teach workshops and give talks with content similar to mine. Instead of making up excuses each time, I just say, "Sorry, my plate is full. But here is (insert other artist's contact) who does awesome work!" The other party is almost always grateful for the recommendation and it helps spread the work around to other artists.