Department of Useless Ideas
If you want to know what it's like to live with me, it's like this.
Banks, I figured out how you can be fun. You’re welcome.
So the other day my husband and I drove past a Fidelity office. Because I’m such a sparkling wit and keen observer of the world around me, I said, “Oh look, a Fidelity office.”
That didn’t get much of a response, so I added, “I didn’t know you could just go in and talk to Fidelity. Can you ask to see your retirement savings?”
“I don’t think so,” Scott said. “I doubt they keep it on the premises.”
“Well, they should,” I said. “They should keep some amount of money on hand, so they can wheel it out and show it to people. Otherwise, it’s like your savings is just a number on a website.”
“It is just a number on a website,” Scott said.
Oh, but why? If you have any savings at all—a little retirement account, some CDs, an emergency fund, any sort of positive balance in your checking account—you should celebrate that! It’s not easy to save money! Why don’t the banks make it more exciting? Spending money is intoxicating! Why is saving money so dull?
Over the rest of the evening, I entertained my husband with a number of excellent ideas for how banks and investment firms could, upon request, allow their customers to visit their money, and really make an occasion of it. (Now you know exactly how exciting it is to live with me.) Here are my ideas:
A Cash Cube
This is a real thing. Your local bank could order this inflatable cash booth, fill it with dollar bills, and blow the money around. Even if you only had a few hundred bucks in the bank, it would look pretty impressive if it was flying around in an inflatable gold cash cube!
A Slot Machine
How about a winning slot machine? Pull that lever, and quarters—YOUR QUARTERS!—start flowing out. Bells ring! Lights start flashing! A disco ball drops from the ceiling! Someone brings you a free cocktail! You grab a plastic bucket to catch the money, and then you run around showing it to everybody. You won!
A Giant Check
Everybody loves a giant check! I’d like to walk into the bank, ask to see my bank balance, and have a banker walk out with a giant, glitter-trimmed check, which would be presented to me in front of a cheering crowd, maybe we pose for a couple photos, and stop to chat with a local reporter asking for a quote. It doesn’t matter how much money you have—it will definitely seem like more if it’s printed on a giant check!
The Briefcase
Is there anything that says GIRLBOSS like a briefcase full of cash? You know the kind. It’s silver, it’s made out of some kind of metal, and it’s handcuffed to some tough guy’s wrist. For this one, we go into a wood-paneled back room, you put that briefcase on the table, pop it open, hand me a Scotch, and let me see those stacks of cash.
How much money can actually fit into one of those briefcases? It turns out that this is the subject of much discussion in certain corners of the internet. Depending on the size of the briefcase, you can probably fit ten to twenty thousand bills, so if your savings run to an amount like that, I’d definitely go with the briefcase option.
The Detectorists
As a tribute to one of my favorite TV shows, how about burying your money (denominated in coins or rare metals) out in the parking lot, like in one of those little landscaped strips, and handing you a metal detector? How exciting would it be when that thing started beeping and you dug around and found a jar filled with YOUR LIFE SAVINGS?!?! High fives all around, then you and your friends would head off to a pub, you’d buy a round to celebrate, and go on to win the pub quiz. Fun, right?
Rejected ideas: Gold Bricks, Pool Full of Pennies
I was very bullish on the idea of gold bricks, until I found out that a gold brick is worth about a million dollars, so who among us is going to get to see one of those, much less an impressive-looking stack of them, if we go to visit our savings?
Also rejected: a pool full of pennies that you get naked and dive into. Unsanitary and of questionable taste. But if I was ever offered the opportunity, I’m pretty sure I would do it.
Please post your ideas!
Do you have another idea for a fun visit-your-savings experience that banks should be offering us? Please post it, and I’ll pick a winner, attempt to draw your idea, and send you the drawing.
Or post a comment about anything at all—I love to hear from you!
Supporters are trying out techniques to paint water
I had a big response from last week’s post on water, so I’m extending this for a couple more weeks. Supporters of this here newsletter are getting a series of videos today on how to paint water. These are just techniques—anyone can try them, you can make a mess on a bunch of paper, and hopefully feel happy and satisfied at the end of it. All this, plus a full archive of art lessons and the satisfaction of supporting this venture, for a few bucks a month.
The Bit at the End
I’m loving your answers to my new readers’ survey! Take it here if you like—it’s just for fun.
Order a SIGNED copy of my new book, The Tree Collectors: Tales of Arboreal Obsession, from Broadway Books in Portland, OR.
Come find me on Instagram, or see paintings for sale- Right here
Order signed copies of some of my books from my husband’s bookstore, or order my books and many books I love at Bookshop.org
Take one of my online writing or art classes here
Leave a comment! I love to hear from you!
How about a giant treasure chest full of doubloons and precious gems with an X marking the spot where it sits? Or what about velvet bags of diamonds that you can sift through your fingers like they do in heist movies?
How about a candyland type of experience where if you spent, you slide back and you go through a maze with an end goal. On your travel, you get a lollipop or a bonbon (I’m partial to chocolate), when you reach your goal - then you can get that giant check (I love that idea). Then off you go to another land to conquer the next set of financial goal!